When I complained about one of my siblings, my mom used to tell me "it takes two to tango," meaning that I should also take a look at my own behavior. I didn't like hearing it then, but as I went out in the world, I realized she was right.
The reality is, we have very little control over other people; our scope of influence is about 99% limited to ourselves. Achieving a fresh start in a bad situation requires us to re-think how we respond, from a negative job relationship to a conflict with a loved one.
I am not advocating that you endlessly adapt, seeking to just change your attitude. Conforming and "going along" with something that's wrong is neither creative nor effective.
Instead, use the creative process to ensure that you perceive the problem insightfully, formulate specific goals for changing it, and be willing to test and discard ineffective solutions:
1) If you're experiencing a repetitive conflict, look at all of the repetitive things you say and do; jot them down, then take a step back and try to understand why you are reacting that way--it may have little or nothing to do with the present situation.
2) When you come up with an insight about your own behavior, formulate an "insightful challenge": because of [this insight about the situation], my goal is to [make a related change]. Example: "because my fights with my teenage son are bringing up my anger at my ex-husband, my goal is to ground myself in the present and make sure I am really listening to my son."
3) Try to achieve your goal, and if it doesn't work right away, remember that the person on the opposite side of the conflict is probably stuck, as well. Be patient, persistent, and willing to try, try again. If you are really committed to your goal, you won't give up.
It isn't easy! But at least when you focus on your part of the problem, you can actually do something to end it.
The reality is, we have very little control over other people; our scope of influence is about 99% limited to ourselves. Achieving a fresh start in a bad situation requires us to re-think how we respond, from a negative job relationship to a conflict with a loved one.I am not advocating that you endlessly adapt, seeking to just change your attitude. Conforming and "going along" with something that's wrong is neither creative nor effective.
Instead, use the creative process to ensure that you perceive the problem insightfully, formulate specific goals for changing it, and be willing to test and discard ineffective solutions:
1) If you're experiencing a repetitive conflict, look at all of the repetitive things you say and do; jot them down, then take a step back and try to understand why you are reacting that way--it may have little or nothing to do with the present situation.
2) When you come up with an insight about your own behavior, formulate an "insightful challenge": because of [this insight about the situation], my goal is to [make a related change]. Example: "because my fights with my teenage son are bringing up my anger at my ex-husband, my goal is to ground myself in the present and make sure I am really listening to my son."
3) Try to achieve your goal, and if it doesn't work right away, remember that the person on the opposite side of the conflict is probably stuck, as well. Be patient, persistent, and willing to try, try again. If you are really committed to your goal, you won't give up.
It isn't easy! But at least when you focus on your part of the problem, you can actually do something to end it.
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